All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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