I need to stop coming to work sober
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
