I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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