I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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