I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
