mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
