What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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