WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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