i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
