I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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