I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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