apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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