My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
