if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Randomize
