I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
