Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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