Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
