If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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