How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
