This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
