On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
