I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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