I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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