Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
