At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize