I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize