But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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