chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
