My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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