I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
