Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
