Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
