if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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