What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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