why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
