If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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