How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
