I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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