His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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