Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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