When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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