I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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