i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
