Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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