Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
