I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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