come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
