Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
