And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize