im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
