my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We left the knife in your bed.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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