does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
