you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
