I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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