I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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