you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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