well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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